


Shadows scream (I'm alone)

by joshua_undun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Delirium, Depression, Fluff, Hallucinations, Headaches & Migraines, Insomnia, Love, M/M, Medication, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 17:39:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7811125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshua_undun/pseuds/joshua_undun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler gets a lot of migraines<br/>And falls in love with the boy from the park.<br/>(Migraine fic)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows scream (I'm alone)

**Author's Note:**

> **if you are triggered by any of the tags above then I suggest not reading this.**
> 
> Enjoy!!
> 
> Feedback would be appreciated :)

Two migraines in one day is not uncommon for Tyler. It happens more often than he'd wish.  
This new medication is working, but everytime Tyler uses it, he feels very paranoid and out of it. So he doesn't take them regularly. It also makes his insomnia go haywire.  
He wants to tell his mom, but this would be the fourth time that they would switch brands.

“Tyler,” his mom calls from the hallway. Her voice screeches in his ears.  
He pushes his pillow against his head to stifle the vibrations in the air.  
“Are you having-”  
“Mom, please don't talk so loud,” Tyler almost yelps.  
“Another migraine?” her volume now bearable to Tyler.  
“Are you taking your meds?” she asks.  
“No,” Tyler answers.  
“Tyler, really? Why?”  
His whole head is throbbing. It brings tears to his eyes.  
“They don't make me feel right. I feel, on edge all the time. I-I just can't stand it mama. Please don't make me take them.”  
Sitting down next to the now crying boy, she rubs his arm that is holding the pillow against his face.  
“Maybe you should switch back to the second one. That one just made your insomnia bad but it made the migraines stop and there weren't any other major side effects.”  
“I don't care I just need something other than this one, please.”  
“I might still have some of them, let me go check honey.”  
His mom finds a few of the second pills and he takes 2. He's relieved for now, but in the back of his mind he knows he's not going to sleep tonight and that's all he wants right now.  
His mom schedules an appointment with his doctor so they can change his prescription once again.  
For the rest of the evening and all night long, Tyler plays video games in isolation only being interrupted to eat dinner. Tyler's honestly mad that he couldn't sleep because it's been four days since he last slept. If he told his mom that, she wouldn't have given him the medicine.

Of course when it's time for Tyler to get ready for school, his exhaustion hits and he doesn't want to go.  
“Mom,” Tyler shouts.  
A few moments later, his mom's footsteps echo in the hall, getting louder with each step until she's in the doorway.  
“Yes, you can stay home.”  
It catches him off guard.  
They both chuckle.  
“Thank you, I'm sorry. I'm just so exhausted.”  
“Just make sure you get your makeup work done in time, okay?”  
He nods with a little smile.  
“Oh, your doctor appointment is today at 4:30 by the way so I'll be home a little early to take you. Alright?”  
“Thanks mom.”

“I have one more brand that we could try, but this one might affect your insomnia as well. That chance of it doing so is a lot less than the other ones, though.”  
“Are there any other major side effects?” His mom asks.  
The doctor shakes his head. “Nothing to worry about, just the basic minor ones.”  
Tyler's mom looks at him.  
“Is this okay Tyler?”  
He nods. “As long as it doesn't make me paranoid.”  
“No, you should be fine.”  
They head to the pharmacy afterwards to fill his prescription and they pick it up an hour later. Tyler takes one on his way home and then heads to the park to walk around the trail. This is how he tests out his new medicine.  
He tests to see how the light, the noise, and all of his other surroundings react with the medication.  
He finds a long stick on the ground, picks it up, and begins tracing the ground behind him as he walks.  
This past Sunday, Tyler couldn't sleep whatsoever because he was having a migraine almost the entire night, and it wasn't helping that it was storming. The thunder rattled his brain and caused excruciating pain to surge all throughout his head. He cried violently until he had to get ready for school.  
Today, now a cloudy day, isn't too bad. The crisp fall air kisses Tyler's cheeks, the smell of the dead leaves envelops his nose, and the beautiful yellow-brown-orange mounds around him make his heart flutter.  
As Tyler walks the path, many people are going the opposite direction, either riding a bike, running, or walking. Some are alone, some are in a group. Tyler feels good. He feels great, even. No migraine. No paranoia. Nothing. He just feels normal for once.  
Tyler is coming up to a corner in the trail and as he does, a boy comes running by, but stops when he makes eye contact with Tyler.  
Tyler stops walking and just looks at the boy in awe. He has never seen someone so beautiful. The boy looks about Tyler's age, with blood red hair on top and dark hair on the sides and back. The boy is quite built for his age and stands about as tall as Tyler.  
Tyler blushes. Really hard.  
“I don't mean to stare,” the boy outbursts, “But you have magnificent eyes.”  
“Thank you. I love your hair. It's my favorite color ever.”  
They both smile.  
The boy puts his arms over his head and crosses them. He sighs.  
“I'm Josh,” the boy introduces.  
“Tyler.”  
They shake hands.  
“Do you mind if I walk with you for a sec, Tyler?”  
“Oh, I don't want to interrupt your running, it's fine.”  
“No it's okay, I need to take a break anyway. I don't mind.”  
They start walking together.  
“So Josh how old are you?”  
“Just turned 18 a couple months ago. You?”  
“I'll be 18 in a couple months. Are you still in school? If so which one?”  
“I do online school, I'll be graduating in a few weeks.”  
“Nice. I go to the school up the street.”  
“Pretty sweet.”  
“Are you new to the town? I don't think I've ever seen you around before.”  
“No, I've lived here almost my whole life, I just never really go out much.”  
“I see you're running. Any specific reason?”  
“It gets my mind off things. It makes me feel good.”  
There's a pause, then Josh adds, “I see you're walking. Any reason why?”  
“I get really bad migraines and I just got this new medication so this is how I test it out. This is how I get the most stuff to happen. I just kinda test to see how it goes and so far so good.”  
Josh smiles. “That's great.”  
At this point, Tyler is very intrigued by this boy. He feels as if they've met before. Like they've known each other for years.  
Now Tyler and his new friend Josh have been walking and talking for over 10 minutes. They stumble across a field on part of the trail and decide to sit and talk more.  
They talk for so long that they don't even realize that it has grown dark and it's time for the park to close.  
“So what are some of your likes and dislikes?” asks Tyler.  
“One of my biggest things is that I don't like having my picture taken whatsoever. Is just something I've always hated. Um-”  
“Excuse me,” a voice erupts behind them.  
“The park closed about 20 minutes ago. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.”  
Josh and Tyler look at each other, a little shocked as they both stand up.  
“Sorry, kinda lost track of time,” Tyler replies.  
“Would you like a ride up to the front?”  
Tyler looks at Josh and Josh signals no.  
“Nah, it's fine, thank you though.”  
They walk towards the entrance together, continuing their conversation.  
They reach the end and Tyler doesn't want to leave Josh.  
“I've had so much fun talking to you Josh,” he states as he kicks a rock into the grass.  
“Me too. Are you busy tomorrow? We should meet here again. Let's say 4pm.”  
“Sounds great. See ya later.”  
The entire walk home, Tyler can't help but think about Josh.  
He walks through the front door, immediately greeted by his mother yelling his name.  
“Mom.”  
She walks into the living room from the dining room.  
“Where have you been? It's almost 11.”  
“I told you I was gonna be at the park testing out my meds.”  
“Well normally that only takes an hour. It's been like four hours since you left.”  
Tyler cracks a smile, which becomes a huge grin and his mom narrows her eyebrows.  
“Did you meet a boy?”  
He smirks.  
“Yeah. His name is Josh and he's 18 and he lives around here and he's home schooled and he loves cats.”  
His mom giggles.  
“I can tell you have quite a crush on him already.”  
“Mom, he's amazing. I can't wait for you to meet him.”  
“Me either, honey.”  
That night, Tyler sleeps for the first time in over four days. He sleeps through all of his alarms, only to be woken up by his mother.  
She runs her fingers through his hair.  
He glances up at her with all small smile.  
“You finally slept, huh?”  
He nods once while closing his eyes.  
“Good. You really needed it.”  
Tyler is very fidgety at school today because all he wants to do is see Josh. He watches the clock the entire day and when it's time to go, he runs to the park fast.  
He gets to the entrance at 3:38 and to the field at 3:43. Josh is already there.  
“Hi,” Tyler greets.  
Josh turns towards him, holding a bright red rose in his hand.  
“You said red’s your favorite color. I got this from my mom's rose bush.”  
Tyler's whole face turns pink as he accepts the rose.  
“Thank you. It's beautiful.”  
They do the same thing they did yesterday, but this time they leave a little early so they don't get yelled at again.  
Josh offers to walk Tyler home and he obliges. He wants Josh to meet his mom anyways.  
They reach the front door step and Tyler unlocks the door.  
They step inside and Tyler tells him to wait there. He goes up the stairs only to see that his parents’ door is already shut, which means his mom's already in bed.  
He walks downstairs to Josh and shrugs.  
“She's already sleeping. You'll have to meet her another time.”  
“That's okay.”  
“Thanks for walking me home.”  
“Thanks for letting me.”  
“Same time as tomorrow?” Josh adds.  
Tyler nods.  
Josh kisses Tyler's cheek, which throws him off guard.  
“Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't know if- I'm so sorry.”  
Josh runs away before Tyler can say anything.  
Tyler closes the door and leans against it for a second, touching his cheek where the boys lips had touched.  
He kissed me.  
Tyler beams as he runs upstairs. 

Tyler's mind plummets tonight and he reaches the darkest part of his thoughts again.  
His skin becomes familiar again with the one thing that almost took his life that one time. His mind becomes more numb with each one that appears on his arm.  
The wars behind his face and above his throat are too loud to block out that night.  
He doesn't sleep. 

The next day comes and Tyler is reluctant about seeing Josh because he's afraid that Josh will see what he did to himself.  
Tyler rushes out the door today because he took too long in the shower.  
He gets to school five minutes late, which stresses him out even more.  
During lunch, Tyler gets a migraine and realizes that he left his medication at home. He tries to get ahold of his mom, but she can't bring him his meds because she can't leave work. Nobody can bring Tyler his meds.  
This migraine is bad. It causes him to throw up. He just wants to go home.  
When school ends, he goes home as fast as his body will allow him and he grabs his pills.  
He lays on his bed for a while.  
Tyler opens his eyes and it's dark outside. He looks at the time- 8:16.  
Josh.  
He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and out the door to the park.  
He's running through the park, yelling for Josh.  
Finally he reaches the field and Josh isn't there.  
“Josh,” he cries.  
“Josh I'm sorry, I fell asleep! Come back please!”  
“I thought you weren't coming back,” Josh says abruptly behind Tyler, making him scream.  
He runs towards Josh and hugs him so tight.  
“I'm so sorry I fell asleep Josh. I got a really bad migraine at school that hurt up, down and sideways. It made me throw up and I couldn't get my meds until after school.”  
Josh studies Tyler's face closely.  
“I thought it was because I kissed your cheek.”  
Tyler kisses Josh on the cheek.  
“I like you Josh. I was so shocked when you did it and you left before I could react.”  
Josh's cheeks are painted red.  
“I like you too, Tyler. You're the first friend I've had in years.”  
Tyler listens to Josh talk for a long time about so much. His love for music, school, how much he likes Tyler, etc.  
Tyler becomes distracted from the pain that's radiating from his arm and keeps rubbing it over his long sleeves.  
Tyler hits his leg.  
Stop it. He's gonna notice and then you'll have to explain yourself.  
Josh holds Tyler's hands.  
They look into each other's eyes.  
“Tyler, I'm so glad you're in my life. I know we've only known each other for a couple of days, but this is the most I've ever talked to someone consistently who I've actually liked. I just want you to know that I'm happy you're alive and I'm happy that you wanna keep me around…”  
Josh pauses when he feels something weird coming from Tyler's hand. It's blood, and it's coming from Tyler's wrist. He must've irritated it and caused them to bleed.  
“Tyler that's blood. What's wrong?”  
Josh pulls back Tyler's sleeve to reveal what he did. Josh's heart skips a beat.  
“W-what did you do Tyler?”  
Tyler starts sobbing.  
“I'm sorry Josh. I couldn't stop it. My mind went to a bad place and I didn't know what to do. I almost did worse again but I didn't. I just couldn't stop. My brain was turning all black thoughts and I just didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry.”  
Josh hugs Tyler tight. He runs his fingers through Tyler's hair to calm him a bit more.  
“Tyler I know life is horrible, but you can't take your life. You're not even 18 years old yet. You're just starting to live. You can't just give up. I know you want to give up, but once you are gone, you are gone. You don't get a second chance. Not one. So you gotta use as much of it up as you can. If you ever feel like it's not worth it, just smile and say, life has a hopeful undertone. It means, no matter all the crap going on in your life, there is always happiness underneath it all. And it's true. You just gotta find it through all the pain.”  
Josh kisses Tyler's forehead.  
“And I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that hurting yourself isn't an option, because we both know it is. But it's not the right one. You gotta take this energy that you feel and you gotta morph it into another energy, a more positive energy. And you can do this by painting or writing or singing or screaming or talking or whatever. But you can't hurt yourself. Do you hear me?”  
Tyler nods slowly.  
“I'm so grateful you didn't do worse last night. I know we just met, but you hold a lot of meaning in my life already. You're special to me Tyler.”  
“You're special to me too. Thank you for the words and comforting me.”  
Josh holds him tighter.  
“I have a question, Josh.”  
“I might have an answer.”  
Tyler snickers.  
He stops. He's trying to word it properly.  
“Do you wanna be my boyfriend? If you don't wanna, it's okay. I just wanted to ask because I like you a lot and you said you like me so I didn't know if you liked me as much as I like you-”  
“Yes, of course, yes!”  
Tyler's heart flips and his whole body feels weightless.  
“Hold on,” Tyler says.  
He pulls his phone out and screenshots his home screen.  
“October 30th at, 8:34pm. It's official.”  
Josh giggles.  
“Almost Halloween.”  
Their foreheads meet and Tyler stares into Josh's eyes.  
“I love your eyes,” he breathes after a long pause.  
Tyler has been in love with Josh since they first met. His heart pounds harder for him and his stomach flips more often for him. This is something Tyler has never felt before, but he knows it's an indescribable feeling. He doesn't know how, but he knows it's love.  
“I love your pouty-looking lips. And I love your smile. And I love how soft your hair is.”  
Tyler kisses Josh fast and looks at him for a reaction. Josh smiles and kisses him back. They kiss many times for a long time.  
Tyler stops kissing Josh and puts his head in Josh's chest.  
Josh rubs his back. “Do you wanna sleep over at my house?” Tyler asks.  
“Yeah, I'd like that.”  
They sit and talk in the field until it closes and then they go to Tyler's house. Tyler tries staying up for as long as he can but falls asleep around 4 in the morning.  
Tyler wakes up in a panic, but then realizes it's Saturday. He starts to panic again when he notices Josh isn't there anymore. He looks around his room and notices a note next to his bed on his nightstand. 

My sleepy boyfriend,  
I'm sorry I'm leaving before you've awaken.  
My parents need me home to do chores.  
Meet me at our spot at 3pm.  
See you soon.  
-Joshua William Dun

Tyler checks his phone and it's almost 1 now. Tyler feels good today. Maybe he won't get a migraine.  
He gets ready for the day, slowly but surely. He's trying to not trigger a migraine as best as he can. He's excited to see Josh again. He can't wait to kiss him again.  
It's a quarter ‘til 3, so Tyler goes downstairs to head outside.  
“Tyler,” mom calls.  
“Yes mom.”  
She walks into the living room.  
“Have you taken your medicine today?”  
“No I haven't gotten a migraine yet.”  
“Maybe you should bring it with you in case you get one.”  
He grabs his pills from his room and brings the whole bottle with him.  
“Are you going to be out late again?” His mom asks as he heads for the door.  
“Most likely. Why?”  
“Well just remember that we have church tomorrow so I don't want you to be out too late.”  
“I'll be back around 11 at the latest.”  
“Be safe baby.”  
He walks up to the park and into the field, arriving just a little before 3.  
20 minutes goes by and Josh isn't there.  
Another 20 minutes. No Josh.  
Tyler begins to worry.  
It's now 4:15 and Josh isn't there.  
Tyler starts crying.  
This triggers a migraine.  
He takes his medication and sits for a moment to let it kick in.  
If he's not here by 4:30, I'm leaving.  
It's 4:30 and Tyler reluctantly walks out of the field, still crying.  
He rubs his temples while walking the path.  
“Tyler!”  
He wants to turn around, but he wants Josh to know that he's upset with him.  
“Tyler wait, I'm sorry! I was running behind on my chores, please wait for me!”  
Tyler keeps walking.  
He can hear Josh getting closer.  
Tyler turns around to look at Josh, who is about 5 feet away from Tyler.  
Josh's mouth dropped when he saw Tyler's red, tearful eyes.  
“I thought something happened to you. You scared me, Josh. I got a migraine while waiting for you.”  
Josh goes to hug Tyler, but Tyler pulls away and crosses his arms.  
“Tyler, I didn't mean to be late. I'm here now. I'm so sorry that I scared you. Please can you forgive me?”  
Tyler doesn't say anything.  
Josh steps towards Tyler.  
“Please baby boy.”  
Tyler's heart speeds up.  
Another step.  
“I really am sorry, you know that, right?”  
Tyler doesn't react.  
Another step. Josh is now a couple of inches away from Tyler.  
Tyler looks away from Josh.  
Josh kisses Tyler's cheek, which makes him giggle.  
Josh pulls Tyler's face towards him and kisses his lips.  
Josh wipes away a running tear from his cheek.  
Tyler hugs him tight.  
“I forgive you,” he whispers.

A month goes by and Tyler and Josh have spent just about every single day together. Tyler's thoughts have been getting worse, but he hasn't said anything to Josh. He doesn't want Josh to worry.  
Tyler thinks that Josh hasn’t noticed the fresh cuts appearing all over his body, but Josh has noticed every single one. Tyler acts different when he hurts himself. And Josh can tell. And Josh wants to confront Tyler but he's afraid that Tyler's gonna yell at him for confronting him all the time. So the two boys just stay silent about one another.  
And they're okay with that.

Josh comes over to Tyler's house after school. Tyler's siblings are out with their dad and his mom is still at work, but she said she'll be home around 5 and it's 4:30 now.  
Tyler locks his door behind them and Josh sits on the corner of the bed. Tyler sits next to Josh, kissing him hard.  
“Josh wait,” Tyler murmurs.  
Josh looks up at Tyler.  
“I've never done this. Just, please be gentle.”  
Josh kinda chuckles as he lays Tyler onto the bed.  
“I promise.”  
Josh climbs on top of Tyler. They start kissing again. Josh pushes his tongue into Tyler's mouth. Tyler doesn't understand why but he likes it.  
Josh's hand traces down Tyler's body until it reaches his pants. Tyler gasps which makes Josh giggle.  
“Josh,” Tyler breathes. His breathing gains speed. Josh twists his hand and squeezes a little harder. Tyler bites his lips and leans back on his hands.  
“Josh, I can feel it,” he groans.  
Josh stops, which makes Tyler sigh in agony. “Don't worry, you'll get there soon.” Josh kisses Tyler.  
“Bare with me for a sec,” Josh whispers. “Are you ready?”  
Tyler exhales while closing his eyes. He nods, his heart racing faster than ever.  
“Yes.”  
Josh slowly pushes in. Tyler closes his eyes tight.  
“Tell me if it hurts, I'll stop if you need me to.”  
It hurts a lot, but Tyler wants this too much to stop.  
Josh gets his hips moving a little and Tyler starts feeling that feeling again. It's starting to eat him alive.  
“More,” Tyler cries.  
Josh answers his plead.  
Tyler grabs himself, which makes him twitch.  
“Ah, Tyler,” Josh groans quietly. He increases his speed.  
“I can feel it more, it's close,” Tyler moans.  
Tyler increases his speed on himself.  
Josh puts his hand on top of Tyler's, which makes Tyler remove his.  
“Josh, I'm think I'm gonna-”  
He's right. Tyler's whole body lightens as his muscles tighten and retract. He lets out a euphoric cry.  
Josh gets there too, and makes the same cry as Tyler. Tyler kisses Josh a couple times.  
Josh zips his pants up and then lays down next to Tyler.  
Tyler wraps his arms around Josh.  
Josh kisses the top of his head.  
Tyler wants to say it to Josh now. The words have been burning up inside of him and now they're scorching.  
“I love you,” he says into Josh's neck.  
Josh looks down at his boyfriend.  
“I love you too.”  
The front door shuts and Tyler's mom calls his name.  
Josh kisses Tyler before he gets up.  
He opens his door and yells back.  
“What are you doing?” she asks while coming up the stairs.  
“Hanging out with Josh. Wanna meet him?”  
“Sure!”  
Everytime his mom has tried to meet Josh, something happens and they can't meet. This is exciting for them.  
Tyler goes back into his room to tell Josh, but Josh is gone. He looks around.  
“Josh?”  
His mom walks in.  
“Where is he?”  
“I don't know, he was in here literally two seconds ago.”  
His mom shrugs.  
“Maybe he got scared.”  
She heads down the hall towards her room.  
“If he comes back just let me know.”  
Tyler closes his door and looks around the room. “Josh, what happened?”  
Josh opens the closet door and steps out.  
“What the hell? I thought you wanted to meet her,” Tyler whispers.  
“Tyler, we just had sex before she walked into the house. I don't wanna talk to her because I'll get too nervous and I might say something I shouldn't.”  
Tyler hushes him. “She might hear you. If she finds out, she'll kill me.”  
Josh sighs. “But you know what I mean.”  
“Well you gotta meet her someday, Josh. I mean she is my mom. Just like I gotta meet yours sometime.”  
“Someday, but not anytime soon.”

For Tyler's birthday, Josh takes Tyler into the woods to a little area where he put a tent and a fire pit. Josh gets stuff together for the fire and soon gets it going. Tyler sits inside of the open tent with a cup of hot chocolate and watches Josh in peace.  
“Baby boy, can you come and help me really quick?” Josh asks.  
Tyler makes his way out of the tent and walks over to Josh, who's crouching in front of firewood. Josh picks up a big bundle and turns towards Tyler. It's not a bundle, it's a box with birthday wrapping paper on it.  
Tyler laughs. “You didn't have to get me anything, babe.”  
“Yes I did. You'll love it. Go ahead and open it.”  
Tyler slowly opens the box to reveal a new ukulele. Tyler told Josh a while back that he had one last year but it got lost.  
“Happy birthday Tyler.”  
Tyler hugs Josh.  
“Thank you so much. I love it.”  
Josh pecks Tyler's lips.  
“How about while I get some food together, you refresh your memory and then you can play something after we eat.”  
Tyler's so excited he can hardly stand. He sits back down in the tent and messes around with the strings to get a feel for the chords again. He missed it so much.  
Josh had made the food before coming, so he just warms it up over the fire.  
Once done eating, Josh collects their plates and then sits next to Tyler.  
“Okay I remember one song right now so I'll play it for you,” he says.  
“Let's hear it!”  
Tyler belts out You and I by Ingrid Michaelson. 

Don't you worry there, my honey  
We might not have any money  
But we've got our love to pay the bills.  
Maybe I think you're cute and funny  
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do, with you  
If you know what I mean.

Let's get rich and buy our parents  
Homes in the south of France  
Let's get rich and give everybody nice  
Sweaters and teach them how to dance.  
Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain  
Making everybody look like ants.  
From way up there,  
You and I,  
You and I.

Josh claps and then kisses Tyler.  
“I can't remember the second verse,” Tyler chuckles.  
“It’s okay. That was amazing.”  
“I'm surprised I could still play it.”  
Josh holds his hand.  
They're silent for a long time.  
Tyler mumbles something under his breath.  
“What'd you say?”  
Tyler looks at Josh.  
“Life has a hopeful undertone.”  
Say it when you feel like it's not worth it.  
Josh's face hardens.  
Tyler smiles.  
“Life has a hopeful undertone, Josh,” he repeats with tears lining his eyes.  
He kisses Tyler's hand.  
“Baby don't cry. I know it hurts. I know exactly how you're feeling. Some days will always be harder than others, but you just have to keep going. The voices in your head are wrong. Anything bad they're saying to you is just to make you believe it. You know they're wrong. You just have to keep ignoring them and you gotta think of stuff that makes you happy.”  
Josh.  
Music.  
Sleep.  
The field.  
Josh's kisses.  
The one book I'll never remember the title of.  
Singing.  
Tyler wipes his eyes with a huge smile still plastered on his face.  
“I love you Josh.”  
“I love you, Tyler.”  
“Josh I wish there were words to describe how much I love you. You don't even know how much I love you.”  
“Of course I do, because the way you feel about me is the way I feel about you. I love you just as much as you love me.”  
Tyler thinks about this for the rest of the night. He's never met someone who's loved him so much. He's never met someone who's stuck around as long as him.  
Josh makes love to Tyler that night, and Tyler has never felt so loved before in his entire life. Josh falls asleep before Tyler so Tyler just watches him sleep. The way his chest fills with air, pauses, and then slowly falls. He watches the way his upper lip moves when he exhales. “I love you so much Josh.”  
Tyler wakes up the next morning to see that Josh is gone. He looks outside of the tent and he looks all around.  
“Josh,” he screams.  
No answer. He keeps yelling for Josh as he puts his clothes on. Josh is nowhere around. His ukulele is gone too.  
Was it something I said?  
Tyler gets his things together quickly.  
Why did he just leave me?  
Now fighting his tears back, Tyler runs out of the woods and back to his house.  
His mom opens the door as he goes to grab the doorknob. It startles the both of them.  
“Hi sweetie,” she smiles.  
Tyler starts crying.  
He falls to his knees.  
“Tyler, oh my gosh. What's wrong?” she kneels down next to him.  
“Josh left me.”  
“What? What do you mean?”  
“We spent the night in a tent in the woods and when I woke up this morning he was gone. I called for him forever and he didn't come back. And he got me a ukulele for my birthday and it's gone too.”  
Tyler gets a surging pain in his head.  
He grabs his forehead.  
“And now I'm getting a migraine. Great.”  
His mom is quiet for a while.  
“Did you, take your medicine before you went out last night?”  
Tyler looks up at his mom. “Yeah, I've been taking it everyday.”  
“What time did you take it?”  
“Maybe like 4pm. What does this have to do with anything?”  
She shakes her head.  
“You're right. I'm sorry honey. Maybe Josh had to go home for something. Or maybe he was coming back.”  
“If he did I don't know why he would leave without letting me know. I'm just worried that something might have happened to him.”  
She hugs her son.  
“Well did you at least have a good time last night?”  
“I had an amazing time last night, and so did he. Which is why it doesn't make sense that he would just leave.”  
His mom stands up and offers him a hand.  
“Come on sweetheart. We can talk about it more inside.”  
He makes his way inside with his things and sits down on the couch with his mom.  
“What all did you do last night?”  
“Well, we ate food, I played the ukulele he got me, and we talked a lot. And then he went to bed before me.”  
“Tyler I wanna ask you something and I want you to be honest with me. Okay?”  
He holds his breath as he nods.  
“Have you, and Josh, had sex?”  
He knew she was gonna ask that.  
“Yes,” he finally responds.  
“Was it, recent? Or a long time ago.”  
He smirks.  
“Well the first time we had it was like a week or so ago. So yeah.”  
“First?”  
“...Yeah.”  
“How many times have you, had it?”  
“Like 3. But this last one was more than just sex, mom. This time felt different. Good different. He even said that too. That's why I don't know why he would just leave.”  
“Well honey, don't get too worried. I'm sure there's a reason he left without saying anything. I'm sure he'll explain it all when you see him again.”  
Tyler grabs his head and wails.  
“Hold on, let me get your medicine.”  
Tyler leans back on the couch and groans.  
She sits down and hands him a pill and some water.  
After taking the pill he looks at his mom.  
“I'm just gonna go to my room and play games for the rest of the day. I'm really upset and I just need some time alone.”  
She runs her fingers through his hair.  
“Alright sweetie. I'm sorry you don't feel well. If you need anything, I'm here.”  
There's a knock at Tyler's door. He pauses his game and checks the time; 7:26.  
“Come in.”  
You guessed it, it's Josh.  
Josh's cheek holds a fresh, deep cut.  
Tyler's heart drops.  
“Tyler, before you say anything, let me explain myself. Please.”  
Tyler just wants to scream at Josh. He knows it's overreacting, but Josh doesn't understand how much Tyler needs him. Tyler feels so weird when he can't talk to Josh.  
Tyler's eyes well up with tears.  
“I went home because I needed to grab more clothes, and I got home and I got into a big fight with my dad. He says I spend too much time with you and I tried explaining to him why. And he kept yelling about stuff that I've done in the past and he hit me. And so I ran back to our tent but I saw that you were gone and I just thought you wouldn't want to see me. I knew you were gonna be upset. I sat at our spot in the field for a few hours and thought you would come. But I realized how stupid that sounded so I knew you'd be here. And I almost didn't come here because I knew you'd be upset with me but I just wanted told apologize because I know that last night meant the world to you. It meant the  
world to me, too.”  
Josh takes a step towards Tyler.  
“Tyler, I'm so sorry that I leave sometimes without telling you and I'm sorry that I'm gone for long periods of time sometimes without explaining. But I just hate talking about my home life with you. I hate talking about my problems to you because I don't want you to stress more than you already do. I have so much going on at home and this is why I'll leave for a while so I can just recover and then be there for you. I'm sorry Tyler, I really am.”  
“Josh, I was so vulnerable this morning. I needed you this morning more than ever. The war in my brain was so bad, I didn't even wanna get up. But I got scared because I thought something happened to you. And I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you. I wish you woulda left a note or something just to give me relief.”  
“I didn't think I was going to be gone for so long. Trust me, I wanted to be there for you so bad this morning. I knew that you'd be really vulnerable and I wish I could take my actions back. I'm so, so sorry baby.”  
“I'm sorry,” Tyler sighs. “I know that I'm overreacting about this, I know you didn't expect to be gone for so long. I've just felt so broken lately.”  
“Why? Talk to me, baby boy. You're my boyfriend, I want to help you any way possible. Please talk to me.”  
Josh sits down next to Tyler.  
“My mind is so dark, and when I'm with you, I distract myself from it most of the time. I've been trying to stay positive but everything in my life keeps pushing me down. And I don't know if I can keep doing this.”  
“I haven't said anything because I know you don't like talking about it. But I've noticed every single time you've hurt yourself. I can tell when you do it. And I am so terrified that one day you're gonna have an accident and it's going to take your life.”  
“I can't help it. These pills that I'm taking make me feel so fake and numb that the only way I can feel is when I hurt myself. It makes me feel again and it just takes away some of the weight on my shoulders. And since I've met you, you're the only other thing that makes me feel again. You take some of the pain away and you calm me down. But there are some days when not even you can make me feel better. There are days when being dead sounds better than having to get out of bed. And I hate that my mind is like that. I hate that I have these dark thoughts all the time. I have tried to stop them but it's just so powerful that there's nothing I can do. And I don't know what to do.”  
“I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but I honestly think you should ask your mom if you can see a therapist. As much as I don't wanna say that, there will be days when you need me and I can't be there to help you or anything I say isn't helping you at all. A therapist is a helpful, more knowledgeable and professional version of me and they will know how to help you more than I can. This doesn't mean that I don't want you to keep talking to me, because I'll always wanna hear what you say, but they can give you better solutions than I can. I don't have any magical voodoo powers so I can't solve all of your problems and I won't be able to make the pain go away all the time, but what I can do is tell you to stay alive and keep going because it's worth it. I know you're in excruciating pain all the time, but there will be a day someday where life is bearable and you feel good. I can't guarantee that it's soon, but I just know you gotta keep going so you can get to that point. I love you so much Tyler and it would literally kill me if something were to happen to you. You've made it this far baby boy. You've made it 18 years. I know you can do it.”  
Tyler kisses Josh a few times slowly.  
“Thank you so much, Joshua. Thank you. I love you so damn much. So much. I just… Thank you. I love you, I love you like crazy.”  
Josh falls asleep on Tyler while he rubs Josh's back. He kisses Josh's forehead a few times and then his lips.  
Tyler examines Josh's face like a book. He grabs his phone from his pocket and takes a picture of him holding Josh's head against his chest. His front camera is broken, so he relies on his back camera.  
Tyler puts his phone down and eventually falls asleep with his boyfriend.

“So Tyler,” Dr. Carson begins, “You said you're in a relationship, correct?”  
Tyler nods with a big grin.  
“Tell me about your significant other.”  
“Well his name is Joshua and he's 18. And we've been dating for about two and a half months now.”  
“That's great. How did you two meet?”  
“I was walking around the trail at the park near my house, testing out my new migraine medication, and he ran by me and we just kinda stopped for a moment and we just clicked immediately.”  
Dr. Carson joys down a few things on his notepad.  
“You said you were testing out your new migraine medication? Could you elaborate for me?”  
“Whenever I get new meds, I like to test it out to see how my body reacts to it. Like if it makes me feel weird or angry or shaky or whatever else.”  
“And how does it make you feel?”  
“Numb. Not in a physical way. But like it makes my emotions weak and little don't really feel much. Or it’s the complete opposite and I feel very vulnerable.”  
More note taking.  
“So the day you met Josh was the day you started your meds?”  
“Yeah and I've been taking it everyday since.”  
More notes.  
“Could you tell me more about Josh? Just anything that comes to mind.”  
“He's a beautiful individual. He knows how to calm me down when I'm upset, he helps me through my dark thoughts, and he loves me as much as I love him. And when I hurt myself, he knows because I act different and he tells me to stay alive even when I don't want to. And he makes me happier than anything on earth and we talk basically everyday.”  
A lot more notes.  
“Now I'm going to ask this and I'm warning you it's quite a touchy subject, so you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable.”  
Tyler nods.  
“Have you ever tried to take your life?”  
Tyler nods.  
“Twice. Once when I was 16 and then again last year.”  
“Do you remember what was on your mind before you attempted both times?”  
“I wasn't thinking. I just wanted it to be over so that's all that I was focusing on.”  
More notes.  
“Okay, back to Josh. What does your family think about him?”  
“Well they've never met him so they just know what I say about him.”  
“Really, how come?”  
“Every time I've tried to get him to meet them either something happens or he gets too scared to meet them.”  
“Scared?”  
“Yeah, Josh gets scared when he meets new people and he's afraid that he'll say something out of nervousness.”  
Dr. Carson writes something quick down and then studies Tyler for a moment through his thick glasses.  
Tyler keeps running his thumb over a soft spot on his jeans.  
“I've never met his family either and I haven't been to his house before. He hates his home life so he won't let me meet anyone or even go to his house.”  
Dr. Carson studies Tyler again.  
“Do you have any pictures of Josh?”  
“Just one that I took while he was sleeping because he hates getting his picture taken.”  
Tyler pulls his phone out and scrolls through to find the picture. He hands the phone to Dr. Carson and he adjusts the phone to get a better look.  
Dr. Carson glances over at Tyler and then shoots his eyes back to the phone.  
“Tyler, this is a picture of you.”  
Tyler's eyebrows narrow as he takes his phone back.  
His mouth drops.  
The picture that Tyler had taken a couple of weeks ago was just a picture of himself, with nobody else in it.  
“I-I-I don't, understand,” Tyler exclaims.  
“Josh was laying his head on my chest in this… I don't…”  
“I was afraid of this being the outcome.”  
Tyler can't take his eyes off of the picture.  
“W-what do you mean?” Tyler yelps.  
Dr. Carson sighs and rubs his face where there used to be a beard.  
“Your mother told me that she was worried about your reaction to the medicine so she talked to your doctor and he said he'd failed to mention that hallucinations could be a side effect to you taking the pills.”  
Tyler shoots his glare over to the doctor.  
“Tyler, Josh is just a hallucination. He is just a portrayal of something in your head. He's not real.”  
The word 'real' shakes Tyler to the core.  
Tyler stands up.  
“What? That can't be! I can feel him when I touch him! I can feel his lips when I kiss him or I can feel him squeeze when he hugs me! I mean, we've had sex for crying out loud! How is this possible?”  
“Hallucinations can control not only your thoughts and what you see, but it can effect the rest of your senses as well. Which explains why you could feel him.”  
Tyler starts sobbing violently and slides to his knees on the ground.  
“Why isn't he real? He's the best thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life! I love him so much, why is this happening to me?”  
Dr. Carson goes to touch Tyler but Tyler jumps away from him.  
“I just want Josh! Please don't touch me! I JUST… Want Josh!”  
Tyler's mom picks him up from the doctors office and he's hysterical the entire ride home.  
He's not real.  
Tyler runs to the park and into the field. He screams Josh's name.  
“You lied to me josh! Why aren't you real? I need you, why aren't you here?”  
Tyler slams his fists against the ground as hard as he can.  
He screams Josh's name again and then lies down in then grass.  
He's not real.  
Tyler can't breathe but he doesn't care. He runs home and up to his room.  
He grabs his bottle of medication and pours the whole thing in his mouth. He shallows as many as he can and then throws the bottle.  
“Why aren't you real?” he screams once more.  
His mom comes in his room.  
“Tyler, honey, I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way-”  
“Mom you don't understand! He was here. I could fucking feel him when he touched me! His lips and his hair and his teeth were really there! I don't understand how he's not real!”  
She tries to hug him but he pushes her away. He falls to the ground and pulls at the hair on his head.  
“Tyler why is your pill bottle empty?”  
“Because I just took all of my pills!”  
“Tyler!” she cries, “Why would you do that?”  
He hits himself in the face.  
“Because I can't do this anymore! I'm so tired of breathing mom!”  
She runs out the room and calls 911.  
Tyler can't stop screaming.

When Tyler opens his eyes again, he's in a dim lit room and it's dead silent except for the sound of a heart monitor beeping near him. Tyler tries to move but he's too weak. His stomach is killing him. His throat is raw. And his mouth is dry. He glances around and sees his mom and dad sitting next to him.  
“Mom,” he whispers.  
His mom looks at him and begins bawling.  
“Oh my gosh, baby I'm so glad you're okay! I was so worried that you weren't going to recover at all.”  
They hug for a long time and Tyler starts crying.  
“I'm so sorry. I just have so much going on in my head and it became too much for me. I wasn't thinking mom. I'm sorry.”  
She rubs his back.  
“I know you didn't. It's okay. You're alive and that's all that matters.”  
Tyler quickly exhales.  
“Do you know if Josh is coming? I need to talk to him.”  
His mom stares at him in fear. She exchanges a look with her husband.  
“...What's wrong? Did something happen to him?” Tyler asks frantically.  
“No. Honey. He's, uh, fine. I think he said he'll be up soon to see you.”  
Tyler grins.  
“Great.”


End file.
